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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Dear lovely friends,
I am sorry I haven't written earlier- thank you for all the kind messages via e/mail and texts, I SO appreciate them all.
We are feeling slightly relieved that the funeral is over although I fear for Emma and Andy now as life will have to slowly begin to settle once again.
On the Wednesday evening baby Marianna's body was received into the Church at 5pm. This was only for family and very close friends so about 40 people attended. (they are blessed with a large family). The Priest met the car outside the Church- it was so heartbreaking to see the tiny white coffin covered wwith beautiful white roses. Ryan (the eldest son, Ben's very close friend) carried the coffin into our wonderful Church- we all cried at this courageous sight- a sight we never ever dreamt we'd see and one I will never forget.
As he walked,, Fr Daniel sang two psalms in Latin (all our Masses are in Latin)..and then it was placed before the Altar with four huge candles burning and roses everywhere... We prayed and then he led the glorious mysteries of the Rosary. Afterwards a few people went up to the coffin and touched it gently. I had taken alot of time to explain to my children, especially the younger two, about the funeral and burial as I have been very concerned about how this is affecting them- they've barely seen me and when they do I am crying or baking for Emma- they are also so sad about losing Marianna and deeply loved her- they love babies so very much.
After an hour we all began to leave (we knew the Priests have their night prayesr and then lock the Church so we knew the coffin would be safe). Andy took us all home (they have a 17 seater van) and then him and Mark returned to park his van in Oxford so they would have it after the funeral the next day). Mark then took Andy to a pub by the river just for two drinks and pool...I managed to eat and bake more and prepare food for the funeral wake.
I hardly slept a wink that Weds eve- I kept jilting awake in fear about the funeral and the baby in the coffin and burial. I had a panic attack and then could no longer rest as all these evil thought were racing aorund my head 'What do I think I am doing daring to have another baby?' 'What about my precious children?' 'Why did this happen to Emma and Andy?' etc etc etc- oh how I hate the nights like this.
On Thursday I awoke so early even after no sleep- I dressed in blue and white and numbly sorted the food, my mind turning to Emma and Andy and how they must be feeling right then. We went early to the Church as I wanted to set up the room where the wake would be held. Everyone helped move things aorund and lots of people brought food- there was so much!
The funeral cars arrived and Emma went directly into the Church but Andy spoke to a few people. I went inside and sat two rows behind Emma. All her girls and her wore roses in their hair, all different colours and many girls wore rose/flowered dresses and skirts, all so pretty. marie wore a big white rose in her hair and rose earrings and a blue and white skirt.
It was so sad but very beautiful the Mass of the Angels- all in white. Ben and Ryan served very well and were composed. Fr daniel spoke so so beautifully about Marianna- very gentle and very kind, and also hopeful and profoundly. It brought tears to our eyes. After the Mass Ryan carried the coffin out of the Church- so many people just sobbed watching this young man carry his sister to her rest. Then, he handed her carefully to Andy who was sitting in the fuenral car and Andy carried her on his lap all the way to the cemetery (he had said he couldn't handle it but he did magnificently).
I was weeping at this, just broke down completely but had Mark by my side and he quickly got our car so we could follow them. At the cemetery it was just too sad for words, I had to go very deep inside myself to find the strength to stand there and watch. Andy carried the coffin to the stand and him and Ryan both lowered the coffin into the ground- not a dry eye anywhere at all. It was a lovely service, lots of prayers and Fr Daniel blessed the coffin with holy water. Then the family and Mark and I were given a white rose and we threw in onto the coffin in the ground and also were allowed to bless it with holy water.
There were SO many roses that the children were invited to throw one onto the coffin whichwas also very moving to see. Then Emma read the most wonderful letter to Marianna and threw it in too- it was so perfect and loving, I don't know where she found the strength but she said it was Marianna.
So many people came to the wake- about 100, it was packed with family and friends and children all running around. Emma and Andy did very well, they ate and talked and there was a lovely photo album of Marianna and people were asked to write a memento of her in the back.. I was so exhausted by then that Mark made sure I ate two huge platefuls of food and a dessert! i sat and chatted to friends but felt empty inside.
I went back to Emma and Andy's afterwards as they asked me to- I really was too tired and sick and sadly Mark had become quite unwell. he had developed quite a nasty headache and aches etc and then realised he had missed two days of his thryoid pills and couldn't find them anywhere....So we drove from the Church to the Dr's and they wrote him an emergency prescription out but he had to go home and rest/sleep. I went alone and stayed until 8pm....they were eating leftoverrs I had packed for them (Mark and I with help cleared the enitre room up )...and talked.
I was so so sick on the Friday, we think as a reaction to all the grief and tiredness, I spent alot of time asleep and in bed, poor children. Mark was at work too. The children were very good, as ever.
Then today I had the scan and the boys had a special Altar servers guild meeting so I couldn't see Emma and Andy but we'll see them in the morning at Mass and I am going there after for two hours....
God Bless,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 585
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oh Amanda
this is breaking my heart
I am so glad the funeral went so well for you all
Amanda you need to take care of your-self I am worried about you
may God bless Emma and Andy this is such a sad sad loss for them
and may God bless you and the family too
please take care you all are in my thoughts and prayers
Mary L
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009 Posts: 1,524 Location: W. Yorkshire
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Amanda what a roller coaster of emotions you are having to go through right now. Thank you for being brave enought to tell us about Marianna's funeral. Those two words just don't fit together do they? Your faith is so strong and touches me deeply. YES I'VE CHANGED, PAIN DOES THAT TO PEOPLE.
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 872
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Dearest Amanda, You are all so brave. Thank you for telling us about the beautiful services for Marianna, this must have been so very difficult for you to write but I do hope that writing things down has helped in some way, i think it does, A national charity, http://www.winstonswish.org.uk is based in Cheltenham and can be very helpful for any children experiencing grief. They helped Sophie when my mum died but we didnt find out about them till quite some time later, they came into school. I cannot recommend them highly enough ~ they were so supportive, specially for children ~ but have to say they also helped me immensely too, with coming to terms with family bereavements. They have a specific children's section which is password protected. Their simplest ideas are the best ones: memory boxes, keepsakes, blowing some bubbles and sending your love on the wind, They have an excellent section on their website for any parents / carers / teachers concerned about talking with any child experiencing any kind of grief & lots of information about how children may experience and express grief differently to adults ~ and how to talk about your feelings and beliefs and support them to talk about theirs. With Strongest hugs and love from Liz xxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009
Posts: 2,127
Location: Thornton Cleveleys
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Dear Amanda Thank you for posting this touching and very personal narrative, so heartfelt and poignant. My thoughts are with you all but especially you Amanda. I worry that your grief and committed support towards friends you love may have left you very vulnerable at this point. Please take care and try to rest a little. I have emailed you briefly. Speak soon, Love Lyn x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 838 Location: Nottinghamshire
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Amanda
What a lovely but sad post.
I want to thank Lyn for her lovely reply to you. Everything that she's put is just how I am feeling at the moment.
Please, please take care of yourself now. I feel that you have given Emma and Andy all the love and support that you could possibly give and then you've given them some more.........Bless You.
Love to you all
Paula x x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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Hello My lovely Amanda, youve ben so incredilby brave sweety,the feelings you had thoughts are emotions all building up and not surpising hun glad you had good sleep,sorry your so sickly hun.bless poor m what good gp to do script so qucikly. your both such tower of strength you need time to grive and take extra care you both now. and ltitle miracle. its the worst thing to see partake organise a funeral of such tini one,as you know i did so for my friend last year for her baby of 2 months. thoguhts with you all lv prayers. melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,689 Location: Durham
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Dear Amanda, Thank you so much for sharing all your emotions with us - your faith is truly inspiring, as is your loyalty and commitment to your friends. It must have been a very moving Mass - I have only ever been to a Mass of the Angels once in my life, and found it uplifting. Please, please take good care of yourself - I fear you have been on "automatic pilot" since little Marianna died, and worry about your reserves of strength. God Bless, Kathleen x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,006 Location: Timperley
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Dearest Amanda
God bless you for being such a support to Emma, Andy and their family throughout all this heartache. The funeral of children is almost too much to bear, but God will bless you through this.
Now take some time for YOU, some precious ME time, which is so much needed.
Best love
Jeanxxxx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,110 Location: London
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Amanda, thank you for posting your moving account of the funeral. you have all been so brave, and strong for Marianna. Like everyone has said, you need to take some time for yourself now, its been such an sad and emotional time. It will, ofcourse, be a long time for things to get back to anywhere near "normal" but you must take care of yourself and your baby. Sending love and prayers to you all x BARBARA
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 854
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Dear Amanda,
How brave you are to write this sad yet vivid account of Marianna's funeral. It sounds so uplifting and supportive of the family and friends who attended. It must have given some solice to them all.
Now it is time to take care of you. I am relieved that you slept much of Friday and hope that you are eating and drinking. Mark has also got to take care of himself. Thank goodness that the GP wrote out the prescription for him there and then.
Take care,
Love Eleanor x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/4/2009 Posts: 856
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Dear Amanda
Thank you for sharing this wth us.
It sounds both beautiful yet heartbreaking. I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must have been for you all.
Look after yourself.
My best wishes and prayers to all of you- your family and Marianna's
Maria x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 561
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So glad the funeral went well , thinking of you Amanda , please take some time to rest yourself.
Sophie x
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 3,157 Location: Huddersfield
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Thanks for telling us about little Mariana's funeral Amanda.
It sounds absolutely beautiful but so very sad, what an emotional day it must have been.
I hope you can get some much needed rest now and hopefully can start keeping some food and fluids down.
Lots of love and hugs, Doreen xx
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Rank: Advanced Member  Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 2,237 Location: nr Southampton
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i am pleased that it has passed.
i honestly believe that death was never in the plan, and that Jesus himself weeps at every funeral
much love
Jenni xhow to be a velvet bulldoser
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Thank you for such beautiful replies and love.
I couldn't see Emma and Andy on Saturday as I had the scan and then spent the day in Oxford looking in shops and being sick. ! I have been incredibly sick since the funeral, which Mark is convinced is a reaction to the grief and stress.
Emma has made a beautiful memory box which she is keeping downstairs so the children can all enjoy it when they are thinking of Marianna. She has a few of her baptism gifts and birth gifts, a special set of clothes, booties, hat, cards, the Mass card and many more things. Marianna was bought a pretty holy water font which they've decided to place near their door and so will think of her each time they enter and leave the house.
Emma's sister has had made a professional collage of photos of marianna and the family- it is beautiful and above the mantle peice and looks wonderful. she is very much alive in the house and always will be.
I am popping there tonight with Mark, but I have this phelgm in my throat which is nauseating, as if I need to be made more sick! It is tickling my throat and kaiing the retch every other minute! Gross!
Much love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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hello Amanda how lovely the collage ,memories box so special for such little princess,aww oh yukky hope that phelgm stuff is gone by now. take care lv melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,582 Location: Oxfordshire
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Hi Melly,
Yes they will never forget Marianna. We will visit her grave this Sunday after Mass with the family. I am bringing a white rose...
Hope you're feeling better today.
Love,
Amanda
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Rank: Advanced Member Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009 Posts: 1,740
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Hi hugs hun,thats lovely white rose. i must show my respect to miracle its 1 year now thinking what to take to grave side. thks il be fine. take care melly cuddly cats make my world seem so much more fun
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Rank: Advanced Member
Groups: Registered
Joined: 12/3/2009
Posts: 585
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Hi Amanda
hope you all are feeling a bit better today
I have been thinking and saying prayers for you all
going with the white roses sound like a wonderful idea
you need to take it easy now
love to you all
Mary L
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